I feel like God is taking me into the desert and stripping everything off until I no longer resemble the person I am, and have been. I am living a drastically different life than I was a year ago. A year ago, I was living on Long Island, working in NYC, getting up every morning at 6 am in order to get to work at 9 am and then not getting home until around 7 pm (about a 12-13 hour work day), at which time I was exhausted and ready for bed. I'd party on the weekends, every Friday night was a drinking night, and happy hour was a normal occurrence for me after work. Not that I'd get drunk on a week night, but that I'd at least go and fraternize with my co-workers once in a while in the Village, over cheap but delicious margaritas. I still do the margarita thing once in a while (by our apartment, there is a place that does $1.50 margaritas on Thursday nights!) but I no longer drink with the purpose of getting drunk.
That is the least of the things that have changed in the past year. I have moved from a city I love and have a heart for, to a place that is like the wilderness to me. Although we are 15 minutes outside the heart of Atlanta, Fairburn has nothing but residential areas and a small Mexican grocery store. The little downtown area which consists of a pizza place, an antique store, a coffee shop, and a thrift store, in no way comes close to the excitement, the stir, the energy of Manhattan- the city I felt was home. Even Atlanta, the largest city in the South, feels empty and desolate. The only places worth visiting are places I cannot afford.
I went from a working day of 7 am to 7 pm, to virtually no work at all. The only work I do is from home, and I end up getting out of bed at 10 am or later, and going to sleep pretty early too (most days with a 2 hour nap in there, as well). How have I come to be able to sleep so much? I'll tell you one thing- I am no longer tired all the time anymore, at least physically. But inside, emotionally, I am tired.
I am tired from all this change. I went from being single to married within less than a year. I used to date around a lot, practically using men for a night out on the town. I went out with guys I wasn't interested in, only because it meant a free meal and night out. I knew it was wrong and unfair, but didn't see much harm in it (until I hurt people's feelings...oops). I went from that to being a married woman who never goes out, hasn't gone out for dinner with my husband in who knows how long. I stay at home and cook and bake and cook and bake, and cook some more. With too much time and too many baked goods, I've gained 12 pounds in only 4 months. There is a gym in our apartment complex, and do I use it? No. Do I tell myself every day that I will go? Yes. Even as I type, I am in my gym clothes, ready to go, prolonging it because I have zero desire to work out.
Last year I had a solid group of friends that I saw on a weekly basis. We'd get together at least once every weekend, and most week nights too, unless I was on the phone with Phil. I had many friends- Long Island friends, college friends, church friends, city friends, and work friends. Now, I have only about two friends that I actually see once every few months. I keep in touch with a few people, but it is not the same. There really are not many women in Phil's church that I spend time with, and being that I have no job or school, I have not had much of a way to make friends.
Phil and I have also grown and matured in our relationship in this past year. We have gotten into more arguments and fights than I can count, and yet, we have also grown closer. But as my cousin Carolyn predicted, the little things I once found endearing are now the very things that get on my nerves the most. We used to talk all day and night on the phone when we couldn't be together, but now that we are, we do our own thing most of the time. We can be content sitting on our separate sides of the apartment, with our separate computers, doing different things for hours and not speaking a word. However, there is an intimacy that has developed, an intimacy that I believe can only really be found in marriage (or at least living together and doing all the things that married people do- not only physically, but for example, sharing a bank account...or a bathroom). Phil and I in many ways have grown closer, but we are less infatuated with each other, less enthralled with each other. Last year I was so completely and utterly in love, and my thoughts revolved around Phil. I still get excited when I know he will be getting home soon, and I think of him during the day, but in part that is due to the fact that I am lonely most of the time.
Another thing that has changed is my relationship with God. In many ways, I know Him more (or at least understand more about scripture, the Holy Spirit, and spiritual gifts), yet in other ways I know Him less. I spend less time with Him than I have in years, putting Him on a shelf yet again. A year ago, I trusted Him more than I ever had in my entire life. I spent hours basking in His presence and just writing prayers in my journal. I am back to a place of distrust, or at best, trusting Him but not really giving Him full control. I am back to never even giving reading scripture a second thought. I am back to disliking church. I still love God, but something in me is not as excited about Him as I once was. I think I cling to God in only the most desperate, needy times. I am getting back to that place of desperation, but for some reason, I haven't turned to Him to help me through it. The only thing I've been able to do is complain to Him.
I have gone from a place of contentment and happiness to a place of discontentment, sadness, loneliness, and even depression. In truth, I do glamorize the past and forget things that were not wonderful, which is why journaling and blogging help me out so much. When I look back and read about things that I was frustrated with a year ago, I realize that those things are not a problem for me anymore...and that a fresh wave of new problems has risen.
Last year I did something that was helpful to look back on. I wrote what my goals were for 2008 and reflected on 2007. I am going to do that again, but in a separate post closer to New Years. Here were my goals for this year from last year:
Top 10 Goals/ New Years Resolutions for 2008:
10- Move to Georgia and experience life there
9- Find a new job that I love, make friends with my co-workers, and enjoy what I am doing
8- Start running on a daily basis with Phil, and run a 5K and 10K race
7- Be more consistent in spending time with God/ reading scripture/ praying
6- Move into my own apartment after I have a steady job/ income
5- Create a do-able budget, and start a 401K plan
4- Get a car- either a Toyota, VW, Nissan, or something reliable
3- Make wise, Spirit led decisions in my relationship with Phil- whether or not we decide on engagement or marriage, it doesn't matter, what matters is that I follow my heart and I follow the Lord.
2- Make lots of new friends in Georgia
1- Enjoy life and have fun
I have only accomplished three of the things on here- #s 10, 6, and 4. The rest need to be included in my resolutions for next year.
I have grown and changed this past year, but I also feel like part of me has shrunk back and dissolved into someone I don't desire to be. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I feel like I don't know what my goals are or what I am living for anymore. I feel less inspired and less excited about life this year. It shouldn't be that way, considering I just got married and I have a God who loves me more than I could ever really know. I think I am just confused about what my purpose is and what I am here for. Am I here in GA because God has a plan for me here, or just because I made a choice to move here? I know God always has a plan for us...but what if by moving here, I stepped out of God's plan and now He can't use me? I don't feel like He is using me. Phil thinks He is, but I am having a hard time seeing it.
I wish I knew what my purpose here is, and what I am really accomplishing with my life (if anything).
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It's always so interesting to me when I hear people say how they talk on the phone with their boyfriends all the time and things about long distance relationships that tend to make them long for each other. . and then they get married and are around each other and start to go "how come it's not like I envisioned" or whatever. I don't know. . maybe i'm odd because I have seen Rob every single day over the past near 9 years and been his woman for over 8 years. For him it was hard to see me all the time because he was used to hardly ever seeing his exes at all and it made him have these fantasies of dreamlike perfection in their relationship. With me he was so comfortable and adjusted. It took a blizzard of about 3 or 4 days for him to realize how used to being around me he was and how he wanted to do that forever. . .and when we dated we already did the whole being able to do our own thing in one room (like I would nap or watch a movie while he played video games on his computer when we dated). Once we married not too much of a change occured. So I can't relate on the level of how you feel. We hate NOT being near each other and once Rob told me when we were engaged something like "Nothing is better than being bored by your side than being nowhere without you there." something like that. I have it written down because he liked it so much and wanted to remember it haha.
anyway I think this must be why a lot of people say the first year of marriage is the hardest. a lot of adjustments occur and learning about the other person in new forms.
From what you wrote about what your life was a year ago it actually sounds like your life is much better now than then! seriously.
Sounds like with some things you have to push yourself to do even if it is hard (like going to the gym in the place you live. how convenient is that, in which it's even available!!!)
It is actually REALLY good that you are NOT infatuated with each other. You can still be wild and crazy for each other without all the overly romanticism part that seems kinda unrealistic anyway!!
There are little ways that you can surprise each other and make each other blush over time, which will be cute. For instance, Rob and I picked up doing this SHMILY (See How Much I Love You) thing from Dr. Dobson and his wife and what they have done forever. So for instance if I make him a cheese omelette I'll write shmily on it with ketchup to remind him that I love him so much. Last week he gave me a double shmily (usually it takes months before we surprise each other with one). He made a load up wallpaper when I turn on the computer before it goes to my welcome screen with a picture of us that he wrote SHMILY on, and he recorded a thing of himself and made my ringer for every time he calls me say, "SHMILY, LADY!!!" and he says something all sweet and precious. . so I hear it whenever he calls me from his job or something. It makes me smile. It makes you want to be creative in showing how you love your mate too. Rob has NEVER EVER been romantic, so this is the only thing that he does that makes me swoon. haha.
There will be hard times in your marriage. You are keeping God as the center focus of your marriage and that will help overall! did you get that book I sent you by the way? Try reading that together, if possible.
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